OH no, she’s back! Hauling her bloody useless Brexit deal back into the House of Commons again.
A deal which does not deliver Brexit. A deal which is probably worse than staying in the benighted European Union.
I guess it’s all an attempt to prove Albert Einstein’s most famous quote: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
If Albert’s right — and he was usually right, in fairness — then Prime Minister Theresa May is so doolally she should be in leather restraints waiting for a spot of ECT. How many times has she tried to sell us this deal? Five? And how many times has everybody made it completely clear that they would rather gnaw off their own legs than vote for it?
In fairness, she has been stitched up by Magic Grandpa, Jeremy Corbyn.
She held talks with Labour to put through a deal which would be acceptable to them.
But she is so dense she didn’t understand that there is absolutely no deal which would be acceptable to Corbyn. He just wants to let her hang in the wind. Frankly, May is so inept she could be stitched up by Joey Essex, or Benny from Crossroads.
As someone once said, she is the kind of negotiator who leaves DFS with a full-price sofa.
So what the hell happens now? First thing is, we all troop off to the polling station today to vote for Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party. Farage’s lot will win the Euro elections by a mile, because he’s standing on one policy — get us out, now, fully and properly.
Truth is, if this was a first-past-the-post election, rather than proportional representation, Farage would take almost every seat. There’s your second referendum, you Remainers!
TORY CIVIL WAR AND BREXIT
But after that — what? Theresa May — mercifully — goes. But what do we have to replace her with? The Conservatives will elect a new leader.
Boris Johnson wants the job (natch), but I have my doubts that he’ll get it. And even if he does, by some miracle, how will he persuade the Remainers in his own party to back a Brexit plan which is far, far tougher than the one May has given us?
Surely we’ll still be in a stalemate?
It is the Tory Remainers who, primarily, have stopped us from leaving the EU.
And they will still be there, ready to block a no-deal exit, demanding we fall in line with Brussels over a whole host of issues.
I suppose we could have a General Election.
But the Brexit Party would not do half as well, because it would not be able to campaign on the single issue which has brought all of its supporters — like me — together.
I wouldn’t vote for a party which promised Thatcherite economics and nor would many on the Left who voted Leave.
In short, whatever the outcome, we will still be left up to our necks in poo, unable to turn this way or that.
And we will not leave the European Union in a meaningful sense, as the majority of us wanted. We will have been betrayed.
Betrayed partly through design and partly through the utter hopelessness of our Government.
THE latest internet craze to capture the attention of people with the IQ of a carefully tended shrubbery is the KuhKuss Challenge.
Aimed at German-speaking morons, it asks participants to kiss cows “with or without tongues” in order to raise money for charity.
The latest craze to capture the attention of people with the IQ of a carefully tended shrubbery is the KuhKuss Challenge[/caption]
The Austrian government has already warned its citizens against this malarkey, suggesting that the cows might become “aggressive”.
Well indeed – as might you, if you were a cow, and some crop- headed loon in lederhosen called Wolfgang tried to shove his tongue down your throat while smelling quite strongly of your late grandfather.
Previous internet crazes which marginally raised the average IQ of the world were planking, where you lie still on somewhere dangerous such as railway lines or the top of a tower block, and Punch4Punch where you get someone to punch you as hard as they can.
Left falls apart over LGBTQ school row
ARE you enjoying the brilliant spat between some Muslim parents and the LGBTQ campaigners in Birmingham? I certainly am. It’s where the liberal Left’s entire ideology falls apart.
Leftie schoolteachers in the city want infant-aged kids to learn about gay relationships.
The protesters, mainly Muslim mums and dads, think that’s vile.
The Left can’t bear to be nasty to any Muslims, because that could be seen as Islamophobia.
But at the same time they want to push their progressive agenda down the throats of six-year-olds.
For the record, I’m utterly with the protesters on this one.
Leave the poor bloody kids alone until they are in their teens. Just teach them to read and write.
EU sunk British steel
BRITISH Steel is to close down with the loss of thousands of jobs.
Many of them are in my area – Teesside – which has already lost almost all of its steel industry.
It’s certainly true that British Steel’s owners, Greybull, have treated the workforce appallingly.
And I agree with Jeremy Corbyn – and the Tory Mayor of the Tees Valley, Ben Houchen – that the company should be nationalised.
But one of the main problems for our steel industry has been the European Union.
It was EU rules which stopped us from bailing out the Redcar blast furnaces. And it’s EU rules which are limiting what the Government can do now.
And it was EU carbon emission targets that financially crippled the company in the first place.
Any wonder, then, that Teesside voted overwhelmingly to leave the EU?
Brexit in the bagging area
THEY’RE thinking of putting a tax on self-service tills in supermarkets. To raise money to “heal the divide” in the country after Brexit.
I’ll tell you what would heal the divide – if we actually LEFT.
Luckily, though, I won’t cop this new tax because I won’t use self-service tills. I hate the way they speak to me – as if I were a drooling retard.
And they’re pointless, too, because some woman always has to come over and authorise me buying a few bottles of wine or some Nurofen.
FEMINIST campaigners are moaning about the cute female voices used by AI devices such as Amazon’s Alexa.
These reinforce stereotypes of subservient women, they argue.
But I will bet any money that if these voices were instead male, they would also be complaining.
“Reinforces the idea of male control. It’s sexist, they should have women’s voices.”
Send Farage to Eurovision
WAS that the worst Eurovision Song Contest in living memory? The songs were uniformly awful. Either stupid, pompous ballads – such as the Dutch winner and that caterwauling Russkie. Or mindless Europap singalongs with fatuous lyrics.
Then there was the Icelandic contribution – a band of screeching right-on halfwits.
My daughter watched them and said: “Oh dear. Someone hasn’t eaten their Weetabix this morning.” We came last, as per usual, because everyone hates us.
Good – I don’t like them much either, the foreigners.
Maybe we should save ourselves the time and money and not bother entering next year.
Or for our entry just have Nigel Farage backed by an Army brass band singing Land Of Hope And Glory while sticking two fingers up to the world.
Backsides the size of the moon
THE new body shape for the summer is apparently something called “slim-thick”. As modelled by that Kardashian woman and Kylie Jenner.
At first I thought this was good for me. I’m slim-thick. I’ve got slim arms and legs and a fat gut. But sadly that’s not what they mean.
They mean a slim waist and a fat ar*e. When did it become fashionable for women to have backsides the size of the moon?
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Stunned by the judge
I HOPE Colin Watson is enjoying his holiday in Tenerife. Col was found guilty at a court in Cardiff of multiple drugs and weapons charges.
He had a stun gun, cocaine, ecstasy and a baton, for example.
But he’d booked a holiday in the Canary Islands. And judge Jeremy Jenkins decided to let him have his break before sentencing, saying: “I am trusting you. Don’t let me down.”
Brilliant, huh? And I bet Col is out there now, on a sun lounger. And someone offers him a bit of sniff and he says: “Nah. I’d love to. Don’t get me wrong. But I don’t want to let Judge Jenkins down, look you. Now pass the stun gun, I’m off into town.”