WHEN you look back at Britain’s history – the bits that have been immortalised in film – you’d imagine that we lost every single war that we fought, that our soldiers had no spines and that our leaders were drunken imbeciles.
Dunkirk, for example. That’s one of our most famous military escapes and what does the movie celebrate?
Alamy You’d imagine that our soldiers had no spines and that our leaders were drunken imbeciles
Yes, the total humiliation of our Army, which had to be brought home by a bunch of pensioners in rowing boats.
Then you have Arnhem, celebrated by the epic movie A Bridge Too Far, in which we see the gung-ho Americans getting things done while the Brits hide behind walls, trying to make their faulty radios work.
Oh, and then there’s Gandhi, where we have a man in his underpants taking on and beating the entire British Empire.
And The Bridge On The River Kwai, in which a British officer is made to live in a box.
Warner Bros Dunkirk, for example. That’s one of our most famous military escapes and what does the movie celebrate? Watch the enemies approach in Christopher Nolan’s epic war movie
The Falklands? Well we won that handsomely so as a result no films have been made at all.
All of this is very different to the American way of doing things.
I do not recall a single Vietnam war movie where the Yanks lost. They win and win and win and you can’t help wondering, if they won every battle, how come they lost the war?
Then we get to the business of Winston Churchill.
Getty – Contributor Then we get to the business of Winston Churchill
We all know that he spent his early life blundering around the globe making catastrophic mistakes.
We also know he had a drink problem and suffered from a mental illness that caused Herculean bouts of depression to land on his head from time to time.
And yet, cometh the moment, cometh the man, and in 1940, when our backs were to the wall and it really did look like curtains, he used radio to deploy the English language.
As a result, he gave everyone hope.
Hulton Archive – Getty Without him, I genuinely believe we would have lost
Without him, I genuinely believe we would have lost. So America would have had no land mass from which to launch D-Day. And that would have been that.
So do we celebrate Churchill as a hero?
Well they do in America, where he’s the only foreigner ever to have a warship named in his honour.
But in recent years, here, we’ve taken to ripping the poor dead man apart.
AP:Associated Press We had him in The Crown, refusing to resign even though he was too ill to go on
We had him in The Crown, refusing to resign even though he was too ill to go on, and burning the portrait that his colleagues had commissioned.
Then, last year, we had the movie called Churchill, in which we saw him rampaging around at the end of the war desperately trying to stop the Americans launching D-Day.
Well I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous.
It’d be like making a film about Nelson Mandela blowing up a train or Mother Theresa failing to wipe her bottom properly.
I haven’t yet seen the new Churchill movie but I’m told that Gary Oldman plays the great man with the respect he deserves.
And that he’s portrayed as the hero he truly was. My fingers are crossed.
Women look at porn too
A JOURNALIST writing in the mighty Times newspaper tells us that, since the General Election, 24,473 attempts have been made to access pornography on computers in the Houses of Parliament.
Helpfully, she tells us that this averages out at 160 a DAY.
Credit: AF archive / Alamy Stock Photo Maybe that’s why Justine Greening has resigned. So she has more time to watch digital how’s your father
But it’s small beer compared with the news that 1.5million Brits admit that they have watched a bit of rumpy pumpy while they were in the office. Or a cab.
The headline for this story is “How do men get any work done when they watch this much porn?”
What amuses me is that the writer thinks only men watch porn. And that, I can assure you, is simply not the case. Many women watch it too.
For all we know, in Cabinet meetings, Hammond and Hunt and Davis and all the other grey men are looking at fiscal growth charts while Mrs May is lost in a world of Emmanuelle V.
Maybe that’s why Justine Greening has resigned. So she has more time to watch digital how’s your father.