THERE are certain breeds of geese which would make a better fist of running the country than our current government. Greylags, for example, or Brent. They might at least squawk in unison.
Unlike this shower. Riven by splits. Stabbing each other in the back every minute of every day.
Alamy Live News Theresa May must start running the country with confidence or she will lose power
Unable to keep their fat gobs shut when they should keep their fat gobs shut.
Desperately jockeying for position to succeed the Prime Minister. Overcome with a huge — and deeply mistaken — sense of their own importance.
A parade of perpetually jabbering pygmies who seemingly cannot be convinced to put the country first.
Which is what you’re meant to do, as a government. You know?
The Cabinet suffered another loss as Priti Patel resigned as International Development Secretary
About the only thing keeping Theresa May in power right now is the FOC. Fear Of Corbyn.
No matter how inept the Tories become, at least they’re not Corbyn’s Labour.
Your choice in the end, of course.
But I wouldn’t dream of voting in as Prime Minister a man who refuses to meet the Israeli Prime Minister. And instead met a group who support Islamist extremists.
Corbyn is a friend of terrorists. A friend of anti-semites. A friend of jihadis.
A friend of basket-case commie ratholes like Cuba and Venezuela. A friend of the IRA. A friend of some who hate the UK and the West.
Rex Features It seems only the fear of handing Jeremy Corbyn power is keeping Theresa May in Downing Street
But enough about that bearded halfwit. The latest crisis affecting the Tories is the case of Priti Patel, who resigned last night.
She was the International Development Secretary. She copped it because, while on holiday, she met senior Israeli government figures.
It’s been alleged she didn’t tell anyone about those meetings and thus undermined the Foreign Secretary, Boris “Gob Bigger Than A Very Large Mammoth” Johnson.
Priti Patel resigns from position of International Development Secretary following undisclosed meetings
Although it is now revealed she may indeed have told her boss, the Prime Minister, about those meetings. The plot thickens.
Anyway, while in Israel, Mrts Patel suggested that some of the UK’s overseas aid might go to Israel for the humanitarian work it does. Good!
If we must have an overseas aid budget, just about the only country I would want that aid to go to is Israel.
A lone democracy afloat in an ocean of vile, totalitarian, Islamic dictatorships. A stable and loyal ally.
PA:Press Association Ms Patel is a state school-educated woman from a hard-working immigrant family in North West London
A country surrounded by Jew-hating enemies but which has wrought a miracle out of the barren lands of the Middle East.
There isn’t a country in the world I respect more than Israel.
And there isn’t a current Conservative politician I respect more than Priti Patel.
A state school-educated lass from a hard-working immigrant family in North West London.
Sharp as a stiletto and bright as a button. Got a sense of humour too — unusual in her profession.
Cares about the working class, maybe because she is working-class. Has no time for liberal hand-wringing.
It is an enormous blow for Mrs Patel to be lost to the Government.
Reuters Ms Patel stepped down after it emerged she met with senior Israeli government figures without telling Number 10
So listen, Mrs May — for the future. Start running this country with a bit of confidence and dignity. Instead of flinching at shadows.
Stop sacking people because idiots say you must.
Stop being coerced by the press or Opposition to lash out at any member of your team accused of some trumped-up charge.
And tell your team to start squawking in unison, like those geese.
And maybe you’ll cling onto power for a few more months. And the rest of us will be spared the FOC.
WELL done to East Sussex County Council.
It sent out an email reminding parents that school attendance was demanded by law.
And kids shouldn’t be kept home because they have the sniffles or are feeling a bit tired.
The missive was titled Get A Grip. But some parents think it’s horrid of the council and have started a petition for the campaign to be stopped.
One whining woman, Ella Lewis, said the council was being “disgusting and offensive”.
And would affect people “struggling with serious illnesses, traumas and ongoing disabilities and conditions”.
Good Lord. If ever a woman needed to be told, “Get a grip”, Ella is the one.
Send your kids to school and be grateful the council cares, you melt.
Spot the red squirrel
AFP or licensors The so-called Paradise Papers have revealed Bono is avoiding paying tax by depositing huge sums in tax havens
NEXT time that gobby little leprechaun Bono starts demanding we hand over more money for foreign aid, poke him in the eye.
The so-called Paradise Papers have revealed that he salts away huge sums in tax havens to avoid paying tax.
Not the first time we’ve found that out, is it?
And before Corbyn’s mob start shrieking about how terrible tax avoidance is, have a look at the Labour councils who also squirrel money away to avoid paying tax
More money than sense
I’M not quite sure why people would pay a £59.99 for a gift with no idea what’s inside it.
That’s the idea behind the LOL Big Surprise toy – a “must have” for Christmas, apparently.
Buyers have indeed been surprised when their kids broke into the large ball – and didn’t go: “LOL!”.
They were faced with a few bits of plastic tat and some fizz bombs for the bath.
I’m not sure why they were surprised. If a manufacturer doesn’t tell you what’s in a product, it’s likely to be crap, isn’t it?
More money than sense, some people.
Good on ewe
SHEEP are much cleverer than we give them credit for, a new study reckons.
Apparently they can distinguish between Fiona Bruce and Emma Watson.
Not that hard to do – Emma’s the one talking snowflake tripe.
However, they can also recognise Jake Gyllenhaal, which gives the edge over me, I admit.
Getty – Contributor Apparently sheep are cleverer than we give them credit for – seemingly able to distinguish between Fiona Bruce and Emma Watson
On the other hand, there’s a field of sheep near my house. And they never look worried when I wander through talking about mint sauce.
So, there are limits to their intelligence.
But this IS an important study, by Cambridge University.
The more we accept that animals are a lot brighter than we thought, the less likely we will be to mistreat them.
And at the moment we treat them very badly indeed.
Victim of PC idiots?
POOR little Elsie Scully-Hicks, aged eighteen months, was murdered by her adoptive father.
Social workers had made FIFTEEN visits to the family home.
They repeatedly noted her horrible bruises. And the broken leg from where Elsie had “fallen down stairs”.
But they did nothing.
I wonder how far political correctness was to blame?
The father, Matthew Scully-Hicks, is gay and was living with his husband.
Were social workers blinded by political correctness? I wonder if they turned a blind eye?
Much as happened in Rotherham, with those girls abused by Muslim men, social services failed the victim.
Dimbo judge ISIS terror
YAY, let’s hear it for Judge Christopher Moss – it’s ages since we’ve had a dimbo judge to have a go at.
Moss set free from court Farhana Begum Ahmed.
She’s a woman living in Wembley who was convicted of urging Muslims to kill westerners. And spreading ISIS propaganda.
The judge gave her just a suspended sentence and added: “It would be better for all concerned if you were back with your children.”
UPP:Universal Pictorial Press and Agency Judge Christopher Moss freed a woman convicted of spreading Islamic State propaganda
Listen, Chris, me old mate.
It would be better for all concerned if Ahmed was put on a plane, with her kids, and deposited as far from the UK as is humanly possible. Bangladesh, say, or maybe some planet in the Crab Nebula.
Failing that it would be better for the rest of us if she was banged up for as long as is allowed. And then watched like a hawk when she comes out.
EU’re days are numbered
KEEP an eye on what is happening in Spain.
First the Spanish – with EU backing – ban the Catalans from voting. And the police beat up the voters.
Then they imprison – with EU backing – the leaders of the independence movement.
The European Union is edging ever closer to its end.
And behaving in the manner of a fascist government.
Cheek in politics
JUST back from Brazil after yet another disappointment in the Miss BumBum competition.
Eliminated in round one – I knew I shouldn’t have had that chicken bhuna.
AFP Rosie Oliveira was crowned the winner of this year’s Miss BumBum competition in Brazil
The eventual winner was Rosie Oliveira.
She said: “My dream is that politics in Brazil improves, we can have peace of mind and guarantee health, education and security to all.”
Well, Rosie, your fantastic arse will undoubtedly be crucial to those things happening.
AFP Rosie Oliveira from Amazonas on the catwalk during the pageant
We are over the first Brexit hurdle… now we want free trade with the EU
BRITAIN has cleared the first major hurdle towards striking a Brexit deal – despite all the pessimists warning of impending doom. It’s not a perfect outcome and won’t please everyone 100 per cent.…
BRITAIN has cleared the first major hurdle towards striking a Brexit deal – despite all the pessimists warning of impending doom.
It’s not a perfect outcome and won’t please everyone 100 per cent.
4 Britain may have cleared the first hurdle but there is still plenty of work ahead
But now we have made progress on the Irish border, the size of the divorce bill and EU citizens’ rights, we can start discussing the more important issues of trade and future relations.
Before we do though, we really must learn to stop going into meltdown every time these talks run into the buffers.
It is certain to happen again as we move into the more difficult stages but as we learned this week, when things go wrong, you go home, sleep on it and move forward.
As we go into these negotiations one idea must remain at the forefront of our minds — whatever deal we get with the EU will not be as important as the decisions we make once we have left.
Contrary to some of the shouty nonsense we heard from both sides of the referendum campaign, leaving the EU will guarantee neither failure nor success.
When a young adult sets off from his parents’ home, the act of leaving is only the first step.
It is a daunting time, with many risks and much uncertainty, but it is what that person does with their new-found freedom that really counts.
The same will be true of Britain’s future outside the EU.
Reuters 4 Theresa May and Jean-Claude Junker shake hands at EC headquarters
Over the coming weeks we will learn how much Europe’s elite want to maintain their current trading relationship with us.
Three issues will dominate discussions:
FIRST, what degree of freedom will we have in the way we regulate our economy?
SECOND, to what extent will we be able to determine our own tariff regime and strike trade deals with other nations?
And THIRD, what control will we have over our borders?
We will have to make compromises in all three areas.
But before that, we need a clear understanding of what we want to achieve.
No such vision has yet emerged from the UK Government.
AFP – Getty 4 Whatever deal we get with the EU will not be as important as the decisions we make once we have left
The process of national debate is beneficial and important. But there comes a moment when leadership is needed.
The Government must now set out its aspirations for our future outside the EU.
Regulation and red tape is likely to be the first battleground.
Some people argue we should aim to be like Norway. It almost completely aligns its regulations with the EU to get the best possible access to its markets.
But Norway must take rules from Brussels without a say in how they are shaped.
As a result, it is burdened with 93 of the 100 costliest EU regulations.
Such arrangements impose costs on an economy and restrict its freedom to strike trade deals outside the EU.
For me, it comes down to who will make the laws that govern our country. I am sure we will choose to implement many of Europe’s regulations going forward, but that choice must be ours.
All new regulation involves choices between competing interests. Our interests in remaining aligned to the EU will be one important consideration, but only one.
There are other competing interests — importers, exporters, producers, consumers, the environment and the economy — and deciding between them will be hard.
But the choice must be made here, taking account of Britain’s unique circumstances.
Rules in the EU are designed on a one-size-fits-all basis.
They are a compromise between 28 countries, not tailored for each country’s specific situation.
Rules to protect newts might make sense in parts of Europe where they are endangered, but not in the UK, where builders find them in abundance.
As a result of this and other inappropriate regulation, the EU’s Habitats Directive makes it harder and more expensive to build the houses we desperately need.
To accept the idea of independent regulation we need to eliminate one pervasive and muddled myth.
PA:Press Association 4 Simon Wolfson is a Conservative life peer and chairman of pro-Brexit think tank Open Europe
Many believe that unless we are bound by European regulation, Britain will be unable to trade with Europe.
I work for a company that imports products from inside and outside the EU and sells them into 70 different countries across the globe.
So I know an exporter does not need to impose the EU’s rules in its own markets to export to the EU.
Individual companies can still make their products comply with overseas regulations.
How else does China, India and the US manage to do so much business with Europe?
Failure to agree equivalent regulation may increase the administration of crossing borders but will not prevent UK companies trading with Europe.
The Government has already sensibly said it will not rip up the EU rule book as we leave.
And of course we will keep many rules that help secure a deal and a soft border with Ireland.
But we should not bind ourselves, for the rest of time, to abide by unknown future rules over which we have no control.
For this reason, a Norway-style arrangement will not work for the UK, nor is it the only available model.
In my mind the vision is clear — we should aim to trade fairly and freely with Europe and, if possible, we want them to have the same privileged access to our markets that they currently enjoy and we would like the same in return.
PM striking Brexit ‘deal’ is welcome but there are still causes for concern
The news on Friday that Theresa May had struck a “deal” with the EU Commission was welcome. Certainly, its language was an improvement on the draft which we saw on Monday and the Government has cle…
The news on Friday that Theresa May had struck a “deal” with the EU Commission was welcome.
Certainly, its language was an improvement on the draft which we saw on Monday and the Government has clearly managed to move the Commission some way.
News Group Newspapers Ltd 3 Owen Paterson is the former Environment Secretary
The agreement allows the talks to move forward. It does not set in stone any terms of the final Brexit arrangement.
There are, however, obvious causes for concern.
The continued oversight of the European Court of Justice in the UK is not good.
It is standard practice across the world for the courts of countries in an international treaty to pay attention to the judgments of their partners, and to try, if possible, to apply a consistent interpretation.
That poses no problem, but the idea that EU citizens in the UK should be “protected” by the ECJ would be a bizarre situation, creating a privileged class of 3 million people whose rights in this country would be enforced by a court beyond the influence of our Government and Parliament.
The question of the border between Ireland and Northern Ireland has dominated the headlines in recent days, so it was particularly good to see confirmed what many of us have been arguing for some time: there is no need for a “hard” border and avoiding one is entirely possible with new technology and goodwill which should exist on both sides.
Paragraph 45 of the agreement clearly states that the UK is leaving both the Single Market and the Customs Union. Too many Establishment figures – from senior civil servants to the EU-funded CBI – still cannot accept this.
To understand the scale of the problem, look at the CBI’s President Paul Dreschler, who absurdly called Brexit “the most serious issue any country in the world has ever had to face”.
More serious, he claims, than the Reformation, the English Civil War, the Great Plague, Stalin’s purges, the Cuban Missile Crisis…
AFP – Getty 3 In 1999, 61 per cent of UK goods exports were with the EU, now they are 43 per cent
At best, they see our leaving as a problem to be solved rather than an opportunity to be grasped, and at worst something they reject outright.
They narrow-mindedly focus on our trade with Europe, but ignore the massive gains that can be made from expanding our trade in a changing economic world.
In 1999, 61 per cent of UK goods exports were with the EU, now they are 43 per cent. By 2025, it has been projected that they will account for under 35 per cent.
The European Commission itself says that 90 per cent of global economic growth in the next 10-15 years is expected to be generated outside Europe, a third of it in China alone.
Those who would now cling gloomily to the status quo would deny us the key benefits of expanding free trade – lowering the price of food, clothing and footwear for all consumers – preferring instead to stifle new competition and enterprise.
Paragraph 45’s clarity is welcome, but Paragraph 49 states that the UK will maintain “full alignment” with their rules to support North-South co-operation on the island of Ireland in the absence of agreed solutions.
We cannot allow “alignment” to be interpreted as shackling our whole domestic economy with the rules of the Single Market (exports to which account for only 12 per cent of our GDP) and having us effectively inside the Customs Union.
Such an outcome would leave us without control either of our borders or our trade. It could not possibly be consistent with the outcome of the referendum.
Getty – Contributor 3 Tee CBI narrow-mindedly focus on our trade with Europe, but ignore the massive gains that can be made from expanding our trade
The Government must now make the exciting case that only after we leave both the Single Market and Customs Union can we take full advantage of Brexit; Australia, Canada, Japan, New Zealand, South Korea, the United States and others will be watching the negotiations closely, knowing that they will only be able to do deals with a fully independent United Kingdom.
The UK’s position is strong, and the speed with which the Commission moved this week showed their willingness to make concessions.
Our net contribution to the EU budget has been over £180 billion – the second biggest in the bloc. Ending those contributions is clearly a major cause of European concern.
As we move ahead, we work on the principle that “nothing is agreed until everything is agreed”.
So, if the EU wants our cash, it must talk seriously about a comprehensive reciprocal free-trade deal with zero tariffs.
Bake Off Paul’s post-affair actions were so Hollywood — and not just his name
WHEN a married, middle-aged man is caught out having an affair there are usually two options that present themselves. Option A: He gets kicked out pronto. Or Option B: Things have to change. Option…
WHEN a married, middle-aged man is caught out having an affair there are usually two options that present themselves.
Option A: He gets kicked out pronto. Or Option B: Things have to change.
Getty Images – Getty Paul Hollywood’s actions after his affair were not those of a man trying to put his wife’s mind at rest
Option A usually involves a rented bedsit in a dodgy area, the imminent arrival of a buggy in the communal corridor when his thirtysomething lover suddenly decides she wants a baby and, of course, the bi-weekly visitations from a couple of sullen teenagers who, understandably, feel that dad’s been a bit of a chump.
Option B requires utter compliance on a lengthy tick list headed: How I’m Going To Make Amends for Being Such An Arse. Or words to that effect.
When Bake Off star Paul Hollywood first admitted to having an affair with his US co-presenter Marcela Valladolid in 2013, he and wife Alexandra split up.
However, after he admitted the affair was “the biggest mistake of my life” (tick), the couple, who have a 16-year-old son, decided to give their marriage another go. Now, four years later, they have released a joint statement to say they have split for good.
Getty – Contributor Paul Hollywood and wife Alexandra have split for good
So what went wrong?
Until one of them provides more detail, it remains guesswork. But recent events suggest that maybe Paul didn’t quite grasp the post-affair rules that need to be followed if a wronged spouse’s trust is to be rebuilt.
Aside from the vital remorse, they include patience, transparency, no furtive glances at your mobile phone, no shutting your laptop lid as soon as your spouse walks in to the room, no unexplained late nights out (particularly if alcohol is involved), no talking about personal issues with anyone other than your spouse and, most of all, absolutely no flirtatious behaviour with a member of the opposite sex, however harmless.
A couple of weeks ago, Paul was photographed giving a goodbye kiss to former Bake Off winner Candice Brown following a charity event.
PA:Press Association Paul judged this year’s Great British Bake Off competition
Others were present and say it was totally innocent. Fair enough. But that’s not the point.
As I wrote at the time, “Given that Mr Hollywood is now back on track with wife Alexandra after his much-publicised affair . . . he should perhaps desist in future from clasping the back of a woman’s head when leaning in for a supposedly chaste goodbye.
“It’s very Hollywood. And I’m not talking about his surname.”
In other words, a man trying to keep his post-affair marriage on track would either stay away from the event, invite his wife too or, if she didn’t want to go, turn up, shake a few hands and be in a cab home as soon as the last award had been presented.
Rex Features The pair have a son together
Instead, he pitched up at the after-party and sat outside (in full view of the paparazzi) drinking champagne with Candice and others until the early hours.
Which, however you look at it, is hardly the behaviour of a man trying to put his wife’s mind at rest.
FORMER One Direction star Harry Styles performed at the famous Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in Shanghai, China, this week.
The show, which will air on US TV later this month, involves prescriptively “perfect” models showing off the latest range of boudoir-esque undies for peachy-thighed young women to choose from.
And of course, young Harry could select his next girlfriend too.
Welcome to the past
HOLLYWOOD practices have been put under the spotlight following the revelations about producer Harvey Weinstein preying on young actresses.
But sexual assaults aren’t the only issue. How women are presented on screen is part of the problem too.
Does Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle misrepresent women?
An analysis by the University of Washington of 800 screenplays has revealed that gender stereotypes are the same as 60 years ago, with men portrayed as “powerful” and women as “timid”.
The study shows that male actors also spend more time on screen than their female counterparts and speak more.
And that’s not the half of it.
Check out the photo from the set of Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, starring Dwayne Johnson and former Doctor Who actress Karen Gillan.
Getty – Contributor Alex Rodrigues and Jennifer Lopez
While he’s in practical combat trousers and a khaki shirt, she’s wearing a skimpy pair of shorts and a belly top.
As you do.
Meanwhile, the current issue of US Vanity Fair includes a photograph of singer Jennifer Lopez with her baseball player boyfriend Alex Rodriguez.
Mr Rodriguez is fully clothed, while his hand is lifting up Ms Lopez’s dress to reveal her admittedly impressive derriere.
Getty – Contributor In the wake of the Hollywood sleaze scandal, why did J-Lo feel the need to flash her bottom?
Twitter lit up like a Christmas tree as her fans feverishly debated the, er, issue of whether her suspiciously elevated bottom crease meant that the image had been retouched.
But surely, of far greater concern is why, against the current backdrop of women collectively voicing their frustration at being treated like sex objects, one of Hollywood’s most powerful women has chosen to depict herself in this way?
– NEWS that Donna Air, the on-off girlfriend of the Duchess of Cambridge’s brother James Middleton, is taking part in Dancing On Ice has led certain sources to suggest they have finally split for good, as she would “never risk embarrassing the royals by joining a reality contest”.
Oh, I don’t know.
©ITV Plc Donna Air revealed she is taking part in the new series of Dancing On Ice
As James’s Uncle Gary has just pleaded guilty in court to punching his wife in the face during a boozy argument, I think Donna’s skating on thin ice pales in to insignificance.
– OPERA singer Katherine Jenkins has apologised to hotel guests after making “elephant noises” while warming up her voice for her tour. One imagines they were thankful for the clarification.
INSURER The Co-op has advised that we should all avoid placing presents under our Christmas trees in a bid to deter burglars.
Alternatively, the police could try catching a few habitual thieves earlier in the year and then we could all just enjoy our festive season without having to alter our traditional, law-abiding behaviour.
– THE Cinderella-style Debenhams Christmas ad ends with Ewan McGregor saying to camera: “As for happy ever after, well, who knows?”
Ewan McGregor stars in Debenhams Christmas advert
As he’s just dumped her for a younger woman, Mrs McGregor might have an answer to that.
– STRICTLY Come Dancing pro Brendan Cole is reportedly still fuming with new judge Shirley Ballas after their on screen run-in and is rumoured to be ignoring her backstage.
PA:Press Association Brendan Cole is reportedly still fuming with new Strictly judge Shirley Ballas
No doubt she will see that as a result.
– MEMO to air stewardess Lucy Sargeant, who is suing BA for £750,000 after being “traumatised” by an engine setting on fire during a flight: Isn’t that one of the more extreme eventualities you were trained to deal with?
[boxout featured-image=”4968425″]THIS shot of former England and Chelsea striker Dennis Wise jumping out of a helicopter in the opener to the excellent I’m A Celebrity . . . reminds me of the ripple effect when I put my “of a certain age” hands in one of those turbo-charged dryers.
It’s reminiscent of the wind-whipped sand-dunes in Lawrence of Arabia.
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