PSST! Over here. I’m hiding from Allain on Badoo.
He keeps pestering me for video chats and I’ve gone off the idea completely.
Credit: Dunca Daniel Mihai / Alamy Stock Photo How do you tell the guy you’ve been chatting to on Badoo that you’ve gone off him completely?
It sounded fun after a few wines – but now he texts me every day about Round Two and, well, it’s gross.
This is the problem with spontaneity at 10 o’clock at night.
Allow me to describe the chat itself. Allain is sitting in just his jeans on his couch and I’m in a dress and full make-up on mine.
It’s a bit awks and stilted at first – but at least he’s too polite to whip out his wang straightaway.
Alamy Allain keeps pestering me for video calls but I am not budging
I don’t know whether to be Sex Me or not, though. Flirting from the off suddenly seems a bit weird.
So instead I settle for polite interview questions instead.
“Where do you live? What do you do for a living? Do you enjoy that? Really, that’s great – it’s so important to do something you love, eh?”
I sound like I’m at a garden party, when this is supposed to be a pants party.
Alamy Flirting straight away feels odd, so with Allain I stick to interview-style questions
Allain admits he’s living with his mum at the moment, as his dad died recently. He says I’m really pretty.
I tell him how sorry I am to hear about his dad and how hard that must be on his family.
Basically, it was awful.
I’m having a Deep & Meaningful with a shirtless stranger about the nature of grief. No wonder I never get laid.
Getty – Contributor Having a deep conversation with a strange, horny man about death and grief – no wonder I never get lucky
About five minutes in, I chicken out and say it’s time for bed but that it was GREAT to chat to him.
He DMs me ten minutes later: “I’m glad you said hi.”
I reply: “Me too. Sometimes you just have to be brave, eh?”
“I wasn’t expecting to find anyone so goddamn HOT LOL. You in bed now?”
Alamy Five minutes into our chat, I chicken out and tell him it’s time for bed
“Ha, you say all the right things! And not yet.”
“Lol get in bed. Send me a pic of you all cosy in there.”
A pic of me all cosy in bed would involve PJs, an I Love Marbs sweatshirt and socks . . . but I don’t think that’s what he has in mind.
“Maybe another time, A. I don’t do selfies as a rule.” Lies.
Alamy I don’t do selfies, as a rule, and so I’m not about to send Allain a picture of me in bed with my I Love Marbs sweatshirt
The next day he messages me, saying he’s off down the pub but.
“Lol if you a good girl we can have a video chat before I go out lol.”
This man laughs out loud so often, he must be an absolute nightmare for his neighbours.
He adds: “I am getting in the bath wanna come lol”.
Getty – Contributor Allain thinks it’s terribly funny to invite me to join him in the bath
I don’t reply. Later that night I miss a video call from him at 1am.
Then another the following night.
I should probably just message him the usual “It’s not me, it’s *definitely* you” get-rid excuse but I’m ghosting him like a coward instead.