WE imagine what 2018 may look like for our favourite celebrities.
Will the Kardashian klan have even more kids, or will we have our next female PM? Here’s what in store (well maybe).
Kem becomes the new Bond
Vantage What Kem Cetinay lacks in acting ability he more than makes up for in man buns and ice-skating skills
After blowing the budget (and then some) on Daniel Craig’s fifth and final “wrist-slashing” turn as James Bond, producers were understandably looking for someone a little “better value” to head up the franchise.
Tragically, Idris Elba and Tom Hiddleston were both maimed in a public topless duel while competing for the role, so into the breach steps newly single Kem Cetinay.
Although Essex hairdresser to international spy isn’t the most obvious move, the Love Island winner certainly has a way with the ladies, and what he lacks in acting ability he more than makes up for in man buns and ice-skating skills.
There’s no need for a lavish Bond theme tune either – Kem will just rap some bars with fellow Love Islander Chris Hughes. And who needs a martini when you’ve got carrots and houmous?
Love Island star Kem Cetinay in training with Dancing on Ice skate partner Alex Murphy
Kris Jenner has a baby
Rex Features Could Kris Jenner add more kids to the Kardashian Klan?
The Kardashian baby boom gets even, er, boomier when Kris Jenner decides she’s not going to let her expectant daughters Kim, Khloé and Kylie hog all the limelight/endorsement deals.
Yes, in a one-off 12-hour live special of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kris drops the bombshell that she too is popping out another money-making member of the klan.
Kris Jenner offers to be a surrogate for Kim Kardashian’s third baby
Cue Demi-Moore-style naked pregnancy photo shoots and endless themed baby showers.
As if a momager like Kris was going to let a little thing like being a 62-year-old grandmother get in the way of her dreams!
The baby girl is born on Kristmas Day™ (as the holiday is henceforth rebranded) and khristened Koin Kash Kardashian.
She “signs” her first big magazine deal before she’s an hour old.
Donald Trump marries Gwyneth Paltrow
Getty Images We imagine who could be Donald Trump’s next First Lady (if anything happened to Melania)
When the Melania-bot finally has a public malfunction after a hand grab too far, and the continued use of body doubles starts to draw too much suspicion, the President’s inner circle tracks down a new First Lady.
No.1 choice is Ivanka (um, this doesn’t poll too well), but then someone remembers that Gwyneth Paltrow called Trump’s win “exciting” and in many ways it’s the perfect match – they both love narcissism, delusion and gold-thread toilet paper.
Getty Images Actress Gwyneth Paltrow could certainly shake things up in the White House
Things are going well for the Trump-Paltrows – she swaps his morning “covfefe” for a soup cleanse – but there are awkward moments in the White House when Gwynnie insists on bringing visiting dignitaries gifts from Goop.
Kim Jong-un is not that “down” with his negative-energy-clearing kit, though Vladimir Putin is secretly pleased with his vagina steamer.
Harry and Meghan elope
Rex Features We imagine what would happen if Prince Harry and Meghan Markle chose to elope
In keeping with their roles as “modernisers-in-chief” of the Royal Family, Harry and Meghan decide that, actually guys, they can’t really be arsed to plan a massive wedding.
Soz! Pack away your Union Jack bunting and forget that boozy May weekend – the new royal couple will be opting for a registry office quickie.
The Palace declares that the prince and future duchess have decided to donate the money they would have spent on the wedding to “charitable causes close to their hearts”, mainly in “Uhfrica”.
The real reason is that Meghan’s a bit been-there-done-that and Harry doesn’t care where the wedding is as long as there’s enough alcohol and spicy cigarettes.
K-Middy breathes a sigh of relief – she didn’t want Meghan Mania upstaging her big day, and the thought of squeezing into Spanx, gloss tights, a bridesmaid’s dress and nude heels a month after giving birth is enough to ruin one’s blow-dry.
Taylor Swift becomes a nun
Getty Images Could Taylor Swift swap her celebrity lifestyle for the convent?
Heartily tired of her celebrity relationship breakdowns, T-Swizzle takes the next logical career move and marries the most famous dude on the planet: God.
Tay-Tay announces the news to her Swifties via Twitter, with the words: “After lots of praying and a few viewings of Sister Act I’ve totally decided to become, like, a nun #lookwhatyoumademedo”.
Following her acceptance into the Convent of Our Lady of Perpetual Publicity Stunts, photos surface of Taylor behind cloistered walls wearing sequinned habits on her way to morning prayers, and before the year is out she records an album of Gregorian chants and cat noises.
It breaks all streaming and download records and wins 12 Grammys, obvs.
Taylor Swift strips naked in Ready For It video
Simon Cowell launches a new show
Getty Images Simon Cowell may even launch another reality show this year, our writers imagine
With X Factor ratings in free fall, Simon Cowell has to recapture the country’s attention “110%”.
So the mogul is pretty chuffed with himself for coming up with Britain’s Got The Brexit Factor Island.
Combining all his hit series (and some that weren’t his, but that he’s taking credit for anyway), the premise is simple: ship all the previous BGT and X Factor winners to a desert island, where they have to come up with a strategy for Brexit.
All through the medium of song. So Honey G raps about frictionless trade, Little Mix performs a hip-hop interpretation of the plunging value of the pound and Shayne Ward croons about a hard Irish border.
While the actual Brexit negotiations continue to stutter along, ratings for BGTBFI are the best Simon’s ever seen.
If only the actual referendum had been decided by a phone-in vote and a Christmas No.1.